Pour your emotion onto the floor.
When you no longer look with forlorn eyes
you will see hope.
hope
A Moment of Despair
EssayThe waves come slowly but quickly gain strength and power. I know what is coming but I am powerless to move. When the largest crashes over me I am held down, gasping for air and wondering if I will survive.
Outward appearances and surface assumptions mask the dark ocean of despair and self-loathing that holds me under in the depths of depression. Instead, many see the blessed life I am fully aware that I have. A beautiful supportive wife and two healthy boys, I am in good health and doing what God has called me to do. It is my family that keeps me fighting for my life. I will not allow the boys to grow up fatherless. But can I survive once they are grown? Focus on the now, you just need to make it through today, I tell myself. Start again tomorrow. Tomorrow could be better. Each day could be better. My family needs me.
I’ve seen death from many angles, and know firsthand the hole and pain it leaves. I have come to understand why people choose suicide but I still feel it is selfish. But right now, I’m not sure how much more I can take. There is relief in the thought, of the torture finally ending, but also the terror of leaving my family. I break into sobs; an awkward sputtering sound escapes my lips. For even here, alone, I hold back. The tears stream down my face but the release is not a complete one.
I spend the rest of the day in a painful funk, doing my best to mask my turmoil from the world. This leaves me exhausted, but one step closer to the end of the day. Then I can escape into my book and then into sleep. With this, there is the promise that tomorrow just might be better–if only a little.
To Feel Even Keel
EssayMelancholy fills my mind in the quiet hours when the house is empty. The cycle of self analyzation and the worry that my own brain is what is making it all worse beings anew. Is it something I am doing? Because then I could stop it. Midwinter is an unpleasant time to be in my mind. The grayness takes its toll, even though the days are growing longer. Even though this year I am able to find the beauty in the gloomiest of days, the darkness still comes. How I long for a day to feel normal. Though it has been so long I am not sure if I was ever normal. Just oblivious, self medicated and busy with a job that kept my mind occupied.
I want to jump out of my skin! Run away from my body, my mind, life. Is it really the weather? Or is it because I feel bad for focusing on putting physical activity back into my routine and now feel I have less time for cleaning the floors, bathrooms, doing the dishes? Why can’t I just feel normal? Not spectacular, not elated, just even keel. Why can’t I add something into my life without feeling as if I’m going to lose my mind? Last year was a dark tunnel, this year I’m on a daily rollercoaster of emotional turmoil— overwhelmed, then fine, then the blackness rushes back in. Am I the one causing this, with my self analyzing? I need to get out of the house and out of my head. But I don’t want to move. I certainly don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t believe I can muster the strength to put on the face of someone who is ok. Of someone who is not fighting for their life at every turn. I don’t go out, instead I pace, I try to occupy my mind, I ride the rollercoaster, until it is time to crawl into the safe cocoon of our bed.
But within all this there is a sliver of hope and despite the darkness I know God has a plan and He is always there for me. I hold fast to that and each day I wake up with the thought that today could be a good day.
Quietly Making Noise 