To Feel Even Keel


Melancholy fills my mind in the quiet hours when the house is empty. The cycle of self analyzation and the worry that my own brain is what is making it all worse beings anew. Is it something I am doing? Because then I could stop it. Midwinter is an unpleasant time to be in my mind. The grayness takes its toll, even though the days are growing longer. Even though this year I am able to find the beauty in the gloomiest of days, the darkness still comes. How I long for a day to feel normal. Though it has been so long I am not sure if I was ever normal. Just oblivious, self medicated and busy with a job that kept my mind occupied.

I want to jump out of my skin! Run away from my body, my mind, life. Is it really the weather? Or is it because I feel bad for focusing on putting physical activity back into my routine and now feel I have less time for cleaning the floors, bathrooms, doing the dishes? Why can’t I just feel normal? Not spectacular, not elated, just even keel. Why can’t I add something into my life without feeling as if I’m going to lose my mind? Last year was a dark tunnel, this year I’m on a daily rollercoaster of emotional turmoil overwhelmed, then fine, then the blackness rushes back in. Am I the one causing this, with my self analyzing? I need to get out of the house and out of my head. But I don’t want to move. I certainly don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t believe I can muster the strength to put on the face of someone who is ok. Of someone who is not fighting for their life at every turn. I don’t go out, instead I pace, I try to occupy my mind, I ride the rollercoaster, until it is time to crawl into the safe cocoon of our bed.

But within all this there is a sliver of hope and despite the darkness I know God has a plan and He is always there for me. I hold fast to that and each day I wake up with the thought that today could be a good day.