I Couldn’t Get off the Couch

How do I find equilibrium
When my whole world
Is seemingly out of control

I watch the minutes fall off
The sun rise higher
Shadows shift and change

My body is motionless
My mind is racing

Am I wasting away?
Am I failing to live?

Another minute
Another drop of life

Gone

I was twenty-two

Torn apart
Completely baffled
I called in sick to work

There was no thought of suicide
Suicide was for cowards

Mental illness was not a topic for polite company
It was something you hid away
In your sock drawer

Perhaps if the world allowed for vulnerability
I would have understood

Being young and brash
I doubt it

I met with a therapist
In a basement office
With too many clocks

He retired
I thought I was cured
Telling myself it was blip
Instead of a festering sore that needed attention

I returned to ignorance
And self-medication

Half a dozen years later
After a lay-off and our first child

Everything came roaring back

I kept saying
I don’t want to get stuck on the couch again
You can’t call in sick as a stay-at-home-dad

Medication
A therapist
A discreet battle unto myself

It took twelve years to understand
A battle against yourself
Can not be won